Trauma

Heather Jévan
May 29, 2019
6 min read

Updated: Dec 15, 2019

ree — found on NTI page: https://www.nattrauma.org/what-is-trauma/trauma-statistics-facts/

Trauma has caused so many problems in peoples' lives that you really don't know how a person may react to certain situations.

I know all to well what trauma looks like and what it feels like. I've experienced a traumatic event in my life when I was seven years old and it has not let up until recent years.

I must say that I have been depressed. I experienced years of epilepsy, and I remained quiet about my trauma. I was so masked by my hurt and pain that I thought this was the life to live or this was life, period.

But I couldn't see clearly, I was young and I didn't have a person at home to talk to. I was with a mom and my dad was indulged with his own hurt. I had siblings but they had their own way of feeling about their hurt. I did not know what life was going to be like doing forward. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life.

What I can say is that I lived through all the hurt, pain, misery, and more. This was my perception, this was me looking on my life. It may have been worse or better for others but it was long and tormenting. While going through life as a teen I found myself abusing my body as well as letting others do it as well.

I eventually found my pleasure, my cover up, my sunglasses: sex, drugs, and deceitfulness. I let myself go; off the deep in, completely, and I blamed myself for all the wrong things that happened. And on top of that, I blamed myself for the passing of my mother at seven. She passed from breast cancer and she suffered trying to conceive all of her kids.

I was torturing myself. But I had no adult at home to grieve with. Was this abandonment? Well I felt it. I felt that way for all those years in my father's house, even when he remarried within that same year, if not the same year it felt like it.

This hurt was embedded deep down in my soul.

I was a regular/normal person to some people but not seen as a human being to most though. I wasn't the person my father called and named, Heather.

I was a child full of lies, deceit, and revenge.

I was still a child. With childhood ways. I thought like a child and spoke like a child. I guarded my heart because I felt so overwhelmed and vulnerable. But no one told me that it was normal or okay. My forgiveness and repentance was never expressed during this time in my life. I was just living and not existing. I was lost and broken.

I was not able to figure out who I was for almost 27 years.

I held on to my trauma. Truth be told, this was my life, my love, and no return. I had cloudy vision and my dreams had a grand amount of faithless power.

I was seeing all the negativity of the world and no return to the way things were before my mom passed. I was wondering, worrying, and pondering about what should, could, and would have happened. All the while, I did ask for help but never thought no one was able to actually help me. I asked for help. I acted out for help. I also need a parent, my parent to care more.

I want my dad, my father to care more. I wanted a daddy-daughter relationship. I wanted to let him know that I loved him just as much as he loved me. This wasn't and didn't happen. I was not a daddy'd little girl. I was a lost girl. Searching for a love to replace what I deserved.

I just kept inflicting pain on poor young Heather.

I wanted more but all I got was revenge embedded in my heart. I wanted those that hurt me to hurt, I wanted my questions answered. Why me? Why now? Why couldn't it wait?

Who was I?

What did I become?

Will this last?

Will I get over this?

Was I crazy?

I had so many questions with no answers and no help.

My father put his wife first but no reciprocation with at home therapy, just talking. It felt like I was forgotten about. Nevertheless, I was so lost, I was in the streets without my sisters to help. So gone. I couldn't feel that I was loved. I felt lost, forgotten, and I had a broken soul.

I wandered the streets for love found sex, wandered the bedrooms for comfort found abuse and misuse.

I was wondering the streets for an ear to listen to me, found rape and drugs.

I was wondering and trying to hear my mom's voice from heaven, to tell me to go home. But found older men and lies. I wasn't dreaming, this was reality, I was trying to enjoy my lie. My lie, that I was fine with, which was A Okay.

I am just here to say that this story, my story, has not ended it just begun.

My test and trial was for me to go through, to become this great person, Heather Jevan. The person with unlimited potential to give back to the ones that have hurt me. I have unlimited amount of praise, potential, and words of kindness to give to others that think they are not able or willing to go forward. I am here for you. I am here to encourage you. My calling is to help and to keep helping until I cant help anymore.

I am here to say that you can get over new and old trauma.

You can let go, move on, and become the best you.

Tell yourself now, that you wont stop at being the best you.

Don't let that old and new hurt, hurt you anymore. My trauma I went through I was able to get through it and get over some of it. I took it day by day. One day at a time, is just how I am able to cope with a lot of things now.

So my suggestion is that you make a STAND and make your mind up to get rid of this pain, suffering, and trouble.

This space or place you may be in, is only for a while, it may seem like a long time but it is not. You have and will get over this! You will live to tell someone else that they can do it!

There is a purpose for you to be here, living now, right now. Make sure to find out who you are and what you are wanting to do in your life. When you do this, you will be able to learn from your past and avoid any future trauma.

If you need any comfort please take some time out for yourself and do somethings you love to do. Listen to some music, write a story, take a long bath. But remember that clearing your mind of negative thoughts is the key factor in getting over this road block. Make sure you also are being patient as well as forgive yourself.

Remember that most trauma was supposed to happen and there are no coincidence. Especially, when it comes to molding you into the best you that you can be. Keep your head up and never forget that someone else has went through the same thing you have. Someone has went through worst and they are still living. They may be living their best life. They may have moved on but that does not mean they forget.